Why the Xbox One is Far Superior to the Playstation 4

What I saw during the reveal.

The first day of the Electronic Entertainment Expo (referred to from here on as “E3”,) has come and gone. Microsoft and Sony have stepped into the ring and gone toe to toe with each other. They brought out exclusive games, big announcements, and amazing gameplay footage galore! It was a battle for the ages, one that could only have one true winner. And at the end of the day, the winner was none other than Microsoft’s Xbox One. What? You don’t agree? You think that’s silly of me to say? You honestly believe think that Sony trumped Microsoft? HA! That is the talk of a naive individual who fails to see the bigger picture. I would laugh at your face if I could see it. Clearly you do not understand just how big an impact Microsoft made with their console and how inferior the PS4 is by comparison. Sure there are “graphs” and “statistics” and “cold, hard facts” that might prove me wrong, but that’s never stopped me before, nor will it stop me this time. So remain in your seats, put the pitchfork and torches down, and absorb the knowledge I unleash from within my infallible mind. Maybe you’ll learn something!

First of all, did you notice that cheap looking camera Sony made to go with the PS4? Talk about a rip-off of Xbox’s well designed Kinect. Microsoft must have spent literally millions of hours coming up with the Kinect device, and as a result we were graced with some of the finest dancing and animal petting games ever thought up by the human mind. Have you ever tried to pet a pixilated tiger cub in a Playstation game? You can’t! It’s just not feasible, my dear chums! Additionally, let’s not forget all those great exercise games. I cannot think of a better thing for a video game to do than to get people off their butts and move! Did you really think that sitting in a chair or couch and pushing buttons was the future of gaming? Well it’s not! It’s all about moving and becoming one with the console. Sure, I could go to a gym and pay a membership fee, or even walk outside for a few minutes. But now I don’t need to do any of that dull crap! Now I get awarded achievements and bonus points for being able to touch my toes!

Going for the high score of 16!

Now look, when it comes to exclusive games some people think that Sony has Microsoft beaten. Again I must shake my head and waggle my finger at the mindless sheep that flock to Shepherd Tretton. Have you people already forgotten about HALO?! It’s only one of the most popular games in the history of ever, and their press conference showed Master Chief (in full desert camo greatness) confronting a giant alien creature for a few seconds. Gameplay? PSH! You’re not worthy of gameplay yet. You’ll take your pre-rendered trailer and like it! Halo is the king of multiplayer FPS action on Xbox consoles dating all the way back to Xbox number one! No, not Xbox One. I’m talking about the first Xbox. Xbox number one. No, the OTHER one! Oh forget it!

Now which “one” was it again? Don’t tell me.

Remember Alan Wake? That was a pretty sweet game, right? Well now the boys at Remedy have a new title under their belt. It has nothing to do with Alan Wake, but it’s certainly going to be just as amazing. It’s called Quantum Break, and it’s about…um…well it’s about…a dude…who freezes time? I think? Also there’s a live action girl who might be a psychic and she knows a bridge will be destroyed-LOOK, IT’S AWESOME ALRIGHT!? Don Mattick wouldn’t lie to me! And hey, you know what Microsoft showed off that “Phony” never did? Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain! That’s right ladies and gentlemen; MGS5 is coming to the Xbox One. Hideo Kojima even showed up and announced that it would be on Microsoft’s glorious console! Sure, it’s going to show up on the PS4 on the same date of release, but you know what Sony will never have? They’ll never have the moment when Microsoft had MGS5 all to themselves for seven whole minutes. Suck on THAT, Kaz!

Kaz Hirai seconds after reading this.

Also, could we discuss how the PS4 looks for just a moment? Did you see how small it was? Good lord, it was so tiny! Who on earth would want a console that small? I’m afraid I’ll lose the darn thing in my couch cushions. Sony’s console is so puny and pathetic. It looks like two PS2 consoles glued together unevenly. Now Microsoft’s Xbox One on the other hand-THAT is a console! The thing is massive! It’s common knowledge that big things are more powerful, so the Xbox One is probably just as powerful as the Atari 5200! And that system was enormous! If I am purchasing a next generation console, I want one that has the potential to crush a small child. I don’t condone child abuse, but you never know when one of those things may go rabid. Did I mention that Microsoft has Raving Rabbids?! Finally, there’s the whole “used game restrictions” and “can’t play a game if not online” hoopla that has everybody up in arms with Microsoft. Don’t you guys get it? This is all part of a greater plan to ensure that the games we play are approved by the Microsoft elders who seat themselves high above their porcelain towers. Those guys understand gamers. They know that we need to be properly secured with every game purchase. They need to watch over us and let us know when we can and cannot do something. Gamers don’t know any better! They spend too much time debating in site comment sections to know how to control their gaming desires. That’s why Microsoft has graciously stepped in and made it easier for all of us to accept one way of doing things. Free thinking is dangerous. I mean what did being open and creative ever get us anyway?

                                                        I feel safer already!

Folks, I think the choice is pretty obvious by now. Sony only cares about video games and the gamers who played. But Microsoft doesn’t have time for any of that! They have a Halo movie to make! These guys need our hard earned cash now more than ever before. So go show your support and buy at least three Xbox Ones at launch. You’ll be glad you did. So will Microsoft after they scan the inside of your brain. For science.

Oh don't be such a baby. You'll love Star Wars Kinect 2.